New Name, New Look

Pretty much the same blog.  So why the change?

Where to begin?

Life has thrown some major changes my way in the past few months.  Blogging in general has taken a backseat to my own need to simply survive.  Between school, lactation, birth work, a new job, and a wealth of personal stuff, my down time has mostly consisted of resting and binging on contrived TV shows like Grey's Anatomy.

Which was all well and good, but it's time to pick myself back up and use my down time for things that are productive and meaningful to me.  Things like writing.  Looking back, I see that my blog has (not surprisingly) consisted mostly of political rants and raves.  Also well and good, and these issues remain very close to my heart.  But my day-to-day experiences have been so unique to anything I have lived before, and I would like to use this forum to share those insights as well.

Without going too deeply into private issues that involve other people that I care deeply about, I'll just say this: I am facing the possible end of a very long-term relationship with the person I love.  This came as some surprise, and so I have spent the last several months of my life dealing with that loss.  I have come to terms with a lot so far and will continue to do so.  These new experiences have been painful and inspirational all at once.  I've both grieved and remained hopeful, usually also all at once.  But that's getting more personal than I'd like to at this point in time on such a public forum.

So back to the new name.

Yoga has provided a kind of sanctuary for my troubled head; it has fueled my drive to be a better person, both physically and mentally.  When I was a dancer, I allowed myself to "cop out" on upper-body strength with self-defeating excuses ("My arms are hyper-extended so it's really hard to build muscle," "I have bad wrists," etc).  Yoga always seemed like a non-judgmental zone where I can peacefully build such strength on my own schedule.  Before long, I could chaturanga, something I never thought my hyper-extended arms and aching wrists would allow me to do.  Then last week, I did my first full arm balance, a totally-rad eka pada koundinyasana (say that three times fast).  I felt so good about it that I later busted my face while trying to show off to some friends after a few glasses of wine. 

The point is this: practicing yoga has, for me, given me the fuel I need to get through the day.  It strengthens me physically, spiritually, and emotionally.  I accomplish things in my physical body and it gives me the ability to become a stronger person overall.

In yoga, poses are timed not in seconds but in breaths. A downward dog in surya namaskara, for example, is usually held for five breaths. Other resting poses are, in my experience, held for five as well.  This allows for the pose to "sink in," for the yogi to sit in the pose and get stronger all at once.  Sometimes the pose gets exhausting, my legs or (more often) arms get tired, and it becomes uncomfortable.  I want to move to the next pose without letting that feeling sink in and take effect.  But I know that I have to hold it in order to become stronger, to be able to hold that pose for longer and to do it with more strength and grace.  When I'm feeling overly ambitious, holding a resting pose such as child's pose for five breaths seems like a waste of time.  However, I know that taking those five breaths to allow my body to feel the result of the previous series is just as important. 

I'm not going to spell out how that all relates to my current quest for survival... you can probably put two and two together.  But while we're on the subject of survival...

The most influential people in my life right now are those who have been able to offer wisdom about the difference between pain and suffering, as well as the difference between surviving and thriving.

My education as a birth doula has always harped on the difference between pain and suffering.  Pain is a part of life.  It is a normal human experience.  In the context of childbirth, this is obvious.  My job as the doula is to help a person cope with the normal pain of labor such that it does not become suffering.  We learn that how you approach the inevitable discomfort (or pain) shapes how you experience it.  Once pain becomes suffering, it is no longer normal.  My yoga practice has helped me transpose this idea into my day-to-day life in a time where my very unpainful life became almost unbearable.  With proper compassion, coping skills, and attitude, pain is only pain.  Suffering is optional.

The same goes for the difference between surviving and thriving, except that a period of survival is required.  The likely end to a long-term relationship has to involve a period of intense pain, and in those moments, you are in survival mode.  Then, slowly, you do more thriving and less surviving.  You start to live again.  For me (and I imagine most folks in my situation), this has happened so organically that I almost didn't realize it.  It was October 10, just a few months after all this started, and I realized I was happy.  I had a groove going, things were promising, and I was no longer in a 24/7 cycle of survival.  Pain was present, but intermittent.  Suffering seemed more optional as I realized that I was in control of my pain.  I was thriving.

If you have made it this far into this very slapdash and very vague entry, you've probably realized that it has taken weeks to complete.  Where I was at the top of this page is not where I am today.  Things change, that's the only constant in our lives.  Things always change.

So I hope you will continue following my journey from survival mode to a state of living for myself, a place of equanimity in constant flow.  The future is indeed unwritten, but this period of intense personal growth makes all that seem less frightening.  I just need to remember to act when action is required, but to sit when stillness is the best practice.  Five breaths.

Whales are badass.

To preempt NOW Foundation's Love Your Body Day (October 16, y'all!), I thought I'd share this gem I came across today.

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

"Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.
They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.
They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.

Mermaids do not exist.

But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?
They would have no sex life and could not bear children.
Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.
And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?

Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale.

At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.

We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn't enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.
We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.
Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: "How amazing am I?!"

What the doctor said, what the evidence says

This past week I attended the fastest birth I have ever (and maybe will ever) attend.  By which I mean, the mother's water broke at 7:30, and the baby arrived at 9:30.  We all got to the hospital at 9pm, and she was 8.5cm dilated.  The mother had a history of rapid labor, so this wasn't exactly a fluke.  Regardless, everyone was wonderful by the end of the night, including the mama who, while a bit shell-shocked, felt like a total rockstar for the way her body was able to work.

After a history of high-intervention preterm birth, this family was determined to have a normal birthing experience.  And normal it was, except for the sheer rapidness... of course, seeing how the labor began on its own and progressed without any medical intervention (including pain medication), it was normal.  Fast, but normal nonetheless.

The doctor, however, was not exactly an advocate for "normal birth" in many respects.  In the short 30 minutes of contact I had with him, I found him to be abrasive, paternalistic, condescending, and just plain rude.  I keep turning the story over and over in my head, and I just can't make sense of several things he said and did.

Let me be clear: this is not just some sort of wingnutty vendetta by some conspiracy theorist doula (see previous post).  My philosophy of birth is based in sound, evidence-based research.  I respect anyone who provides care according to the research, be they midwives, obstetricians, lactation consultants, nurses, doulas, or educators.  This isn't me railing against the obstetrical field just because some guy was mean to my client... this doctor displayed a clear disrespect for the evidence-based practices from which positive birthing outcomes have shown to come.

His major offenses are as follows.

1) Physician-Directed Pushing

What happened: 
The mother was completely dilated minutes after I arrived in her delivery room.  However, she did not feel an urge to push right away.  This did not stop the doctor from trying to speed things up.  Once he found her to be complete, he immediately started telling her to bear down and "hold it for 10 seconds."  The mother said she did not feel the urge to push yet, so she was going to rest.  The doctor's response was, and I quote, "Honey, you're not going to have a baby by just lying there and resting."

What the evidence says: 
Once the cervix is completely dilated, the baby's head drops into the the birth canal.  During this time, the uterus must "re-form" over the baby's buttocks.  This can take up to 1 hour, though it generally takes about 20-30 minutes.  This has been fondly named the "rest and be thankful" phase of labor.

A woman who has not had an epidural will get a strong urge to push, called the Ferguson reflex, when the uterus has completely clamped down and is ready to help her deliver her baby.  There is much research to suggest, in fact, that pushing before the urge is completely pointless; all the mother is doing is wasting much-needed energy.  This is so true, in fact, that many caregivers will advise a woman who has had an epidural to "labor down" for at least 30 minutes (rest and wait) before they begin pushing.

So really, the doctor was completely wrong... she was going to have a baby by sitting there and resting.  In fact, she was doing her body a favor. 

2) The Friggin' Lithotomy Position

What happened: 
When mama was finally ready to push, the doctor immediately began placing her legs into stirrups.  This, to me, seems like a major violation.  To place a woman's body into such a position without asking first, well, that's just wrong.  The mama cried out, "NO!!!" and quickly moved her legs back to a place that was comfortable for her.  Her husband then explained that she hadn't wanted to give birth in this position.  The doctor visibly rolled his eyes and said, "I can't deliver a baby when your legs are shut!"


What the evidence says:
Here's a "duh" moment for you: the human body is capable of a number of different positions! {gasp!}  There's really no reason to think that a laboring woman's legs can only be either in stirrups or completely shut.

In fact, lying flat on your back with the legs in stirrups increases your likelihood of tearing and decreases the elasticity of the perineum by 30%. Our Bodies, Ourselves declares this position "the single most dangerous position" for childbirth.

3) Immediate Cord Clamping

What happened:
It was the parents' wish to wait to cut the cord until it has stopped pulsating.  This is not common practice with obstetricians, though it is usually done with midwife-assisted birth.  Seconds after the baby girl was born, the obstetrician reached for the clamps.  The husband, keeping a close eye on the doctor's every move, asked, "Has it stopped pulsating?"  The doctor looked at him with a condescending glance and said, "Yeah... sure."

What the evidence says:
More and more parents are asking their care providers to delay cord clamping, and with good reason: immediately following birth, the remaining blood retained in the placenta rushes into the newborn infant.  To immediately clamp off the cord is to waste a boost of high-nutrient cord blood that could very well benefit the newborn.

The umbilical cord will usually stop pulsating on its own in about 2-3 minutes, during which time the newborn can receive up to 25% more blood than an infant whose cord was clamped within the first minute of life.  This boost has been associated, in healthy full-term infants, with higher APGAR scores, higher red blood cell counts through the third month of life, and decreased iron deficiency during the first year of life.  In preterm infants (>37 weeks gestational age), delayed cord clamping is associated with decreased risk of late-onset sepsis and better health outcomes overall. 

Why is this not a more common practice amongst American obstetricians?  Their midwife counterparts usually wait at least 2 minutes, and obstetricians in European nations delay clamping as well.  The only known risk is hyperbilirubinemia (jaundice), but such a condition generally resolves itself with early breastfeeding.

The only explanation I can come up with is that delayed cord clamping takes time, and when you're in a hospital labor and delivery unit, time is always against you.  The wam-bam-congratulations-ma'am mentality leaves countless women feeling like they are being worked through a machine instead of experiencing a joyous, empowering occasion that they can feel good about.  Such a mentality also explains why the doctor didn't want to wait for the mama to feel the urge to push.

Of course, the medical field in general just doesn't jive with the process of childbirth.  Childbirth is unpredictable, and doctors don't like unpredictable.  Hence we've seen an alarming rise in the induction rate... an alarming (and unnatural) percentage of babies being born Monday-Friday, 9am-4pm.  While medical science has indeed saved countless lives in managing births that have become problematic, normal birth should be left to take its own course.  Care providers who work with laboring folks need to take a breath and slow. It. Down.

“The woman’s body is smarter than the doctor. Time, patience, and the baby will come. Respect the woman’s rhythm."  -Dr. George Tiller

Your Doula Training: The Cast of Characters

Note: The following blog entry is an intentionally irreverent parody of doula stereotypes.  While it is true that several characters depicted below were inspired directly by women in my doula trainings, any likeness to anyone in particular is purely coincidental.  

That being said, let's reinforce some stereotypes!!
 ------------

So you're becoming a doula! 

You've probably already decided that your personae fits within your understanding of what a doula is.  Understandable, that's what I thought as well.  Until I attended my first training.  It was then I realized that "the doula personae" is not always what you think.  In fact, there are many kinds of people (highly different from one another, as you'll find) who believe they also embody these qualities.  You might experience some serious cognitive dissonance when you meet them.  How could you be the same kind of person as her?!  Are you really that crunchy/grandmotherly/opinionated/touchy-feely? 

Don't panic.  You're probably not very much like most of them.  There are maybe hundreds of pregnant folks in your area, and they probably each have a very unique perspective on what a doula is.  That's why families interview more than one of us... heaven forbid a conservative religious woman ends up with a transgendered anarcho-feminist, or vice-versa. 

You will notice, however, that there are definite patterns in the personae of aspiring doulas, each with their own unique perspective on birth, women, and life in general.  Let's take a quick tour of the major ones, shall we?


The Experienced Mama

If her mismatched, spit-up-stained attire didn't give her away, her advanced insight into the birth process most definitely did.  The Experienced Mama is the one who has had a number of varying birth experiences.  She can speak from experience on induction, c-section, VBAC, and natural birth.  She has probably taken a variety of childbirth classes, and who knows, may be on track to becoming a childbirth educator herself.  When it comes to breastfeeding, she's experienced it all, and probably is still nursing her youngest child.  A kind, sisterly woman in her 30s, The Experienced Mama will score big on the relatability factor when she starts going to interviews.


The Religious One

You picked her out the moment she drove up in her full-sized van covered in pro-life bumper stickers.  She's not just religious; she's an unapologetic fundamentalist.  Like The Experienced Mama, The Religious One has had a variety of birth experiences... how could she not, she has 10 kids!  Of course, unlike The Experienced Mama, her birth experiences are likely to be recounted with vaguely-relative Bible passages.

Here's a woman who believes in "keeping her womb open to the will of God."  Meaning, she does not use any form of birth control (including FAM), believing that God will decide how many children she will have.  She pipes in rather often, decrying the modern age as a force that has made women forget "what their bodies were made for."  Her clinging to "the way God intended it to be" rubs the majority of the room the wrong way regardless of religious affiliation.  Look for an entertaining spat between The Religious One and The Rabid Feminist during lunch.

The Rabid Feminist

She made her entrance donning a tank top that read "FUCK PATRIARCHY." Between that and the vulva pendant hanging around her neck, The Rabid Feminist doesn't hide why she's interested in becoming a doula.

She probably has a history as a pro-choice activist or a clinic escort.  She is fascinated by the process of childbirth, the strength of laboring women, and finds it all to be political in nature.  She drives the group slightly bonkers with her constant correction of "the generic he" and her many off-kilter remarks about how not all pregnant folks identify as women.  Despite her fierce attitude, she seems rather taken with The Natural.

The Natural

Here's a woman who, before the training even begins, seems to radiate doula.  We're always told that being a doula is more about presence than experience, and in this person's case we believe it.  She has probably never attended a birth before, and while she knows childbirth basics, she in no way possesses any more trainable doula skills than any other person in the room.

The Natural has a voice that immediately calms.  It's quiet while being firm, reassuring and instantly relaxing.  When she speaks, shoulders around the room drop an inch.  Her face naturally rests in a pleasant expression, even if she is not physically smiling.  In her other life, she is probably a Reiki practitioner or a clinical herbalist.  She's adorned in loose-fitting, neutral toned garments and several pieces of under-stated turquoise jewelry.  Look for The Natural purchasing bulk herbs in your local organic co-op.

The "At My Birth, We..."

The one thing that brings the whole group together, aside from the desire to be doulas, is the growing disdain for The "At My Birth, We..."

While she means well, this is a person who can't seem to stop relating every single topic back to her own experience.  It seems literally anything said by the trainer or fellow participants can be related back to The "At My Birth, We..."  Discussing epidurals?  She thought about having one of those, but by the time the anesthesiologist got there the baby was already born.  The double-hip squeeze?  Her husband did that, and it helped for a little while but not during transition.  Turkey sandwiches for lunch?  She had one of those after the birth of her 1st child, but after the 2nd she'd had roast beef. By the end of the training, the entire group could write whole volumes on this woman's birthing experiences.

She might be the same person as The Experienced Mama.


The Conspiracy Theorist

The entire medical establishment is out to get you.  At least, that's the case if you believe The Conspiracy Theorist.

Having no medical experience herself, The Conspiracy Theorist "knows in her heart" (or possibly read somewhere on the internet) that inductions and c-sections are never actually necessary.  She pipes into the discussion rather infrequently, but every time she does, her remarks raise eyebrows around the room.  "Did you know that the postpartum eye goop has been shown to cause blindness in rats?"  "Did you know vaccines contain a chemical that brainwashes children?"  "Did you know that school lunches contain tracking devices so that the government can keep an eye on you at all times?"

The Conspiracy Theorist is the only person in the room who scoffs when the trainer discusses car seat laws and will likely be the same person who gets all doulas banned from the area hospital. 

The Traumatized

The uncontested heartbreaker of the group, The Traumatized has experienced the worst that the field of obstetrics has to offer.  Maybe she was uneducated and timidly agreed to an unnecessary induction.  Maybe she had care providers who wouldn't inform her about what was going on.  Maybe she had her first baby young, or maybe she had endured a c-section after the epidural had worn off.

Whatever it was, The Traumatized brings tears to everyone's eyes when she gently recounts her birth experience.  Her impetus for becoming a doula rests primarily in her mission to ensure no woman ever has to endure what she endured.  Or maybe she later had a beautiful birth experience with a doula and wants to share that with the world.  The Traumatized can speak to the cascade of interventions with tears in her eyes, though as a survivor she in and of herself is a healer.  She may inadvertently add fuel to the flames burning within both The Rabid Feminist and The Conspiracy Theorist.  



The Bored Housewife

This week, she wants to be a doula.  Two months from now, she might be enrolling in karate classes. The year prior, she briefly considered selling Mary Kay.

The Bored Housewife probably suffers from "Empty Nest Syndrome."  Her entire adult career has centered around being a wife and mother, and now that the kids have left the nest and her wealthy husband spends most of his days on the links, she needs to find a new cause to keep herself active.  She's sincere about her passion, but she lacks the motivation to move forward with it.  Or maybe she does and becomes the best doula ever.  Only time will tell.


The Birth Junkie

Some people jump out of airplanes.  Others shoot up heroin.  This woman gets her fix attending births.

The Birth Junkie is nothing if not passionate.  She will go on to love and connect with every mother she works with, but let's face it... at the end of the day, the reward is in the crowning.  Such an adrenalin rush lasts her several days, at which point she collapses on her bed awaiting her next client's call.  Though she may be older, The Birth Junkie never seems to get tired of the work.  Younger doulas look up to her and regard her energy as nothing short of awesome.  Her only downfall is that she tends to relive her own birth experiences vicariously through her clients.

She may be the same person as The Professional Grandmother.

The Retired Nurse

In her years of working labor and delivery, this woman has seen it all. If the doula trainer cannot answer a question about the physiology of childbirth, bet your bottom The Retired Nurse can.

She worked as a L&D nurse for a while, but the long hours and hospital wear-and-tear finally got to her.  With her nursing career behind her, The Retired Nurse is excited to be responsible for only one laboring family at a time, and better yet, she doesn't have to subject women to vaginal exams ever again!  As an added bonus, she already knows all the area's midwives and obstetricians.  Her pitfall will be her impulse to adjust fetal monitors or do a quick blood pressure check during labor, but overall, you can count on this one to be a champion doula.


The Professional Grandmother
Your first conversation with her ended with you thinking, "Well isn't she nice!"  That's her inner doula already shining through.  The Professional Grandmother is what you'd consider to be a "motherly doula."  Her kids are all grown and maybe have even had the privilege of having her at their own births.  Women will hire The Professional Grandmother first and foremost because she reminds them of their own mother (without all the maternal baggage, of course).

NC General Assembly overrides veto, defunds Planned Parenthood

There are numerous reasons North Carolina residents should be angry this morning.  If you are a teacher, a parent of a child in public school, a college student, a state employee, a woman, uninsured, lower-income, a person with mental illness, an infant, or a health worker, yesterday's late-night veto override of the state budget affects you. 

Five Democrats joined the Republican majority in the override.  I could go on and on about all the ways that this budget is, pardon my language, royally fucked, but I need to focus primarily on the defunding of Planned Parenthood. 

Despite the fact that 57% of NC voters support state funding for Planned Parenthood, the GOP has used its majority, once again, to enact an ideology.  With this budget, the GOP is waging class warfare against the most underserved communities, not just in its defunding of low-cost health clinics, but in its major cuts to education and human services as well.  Don't even get me started on what this means for state employees (predominately lower-income people of color).

But I digress.  This entry is about Planned Parenthood.

Last night's vote basically removes Planned Parenthood's ability to be a Title X provider.  They are now no longer eligible to receive grants from the Women's Health Services Fund or the Teen Pregnancy Prevention Initiatives program.

I have been a regular client of my local Planned Parenthood clinic for four years.  I have received annual pap smears, regular physical exams, low-cost birth control, and a very inexpensive breast exam that one time I found a strange lump.  Not one of these visits ever put me in the poor house even though my health insurance doesn't cover me unless I get hit by a bus.  Hell, they even did a strep throat test for me this one time I was on call for a birth and thought I was getting sick.

I have friends who have received all that and more from Planned Parenthood clinics.  They've gotten STD testing and treatment.  They've had cervical cancer screenings.  They've gotten pregnancy tests and options counseling.  They've had abortions.  They've received referrals for low-cost prenatal care.

If this is what our General Assembly really thinks the state wants, they have another thing coming.  There are too many of us who have received quality health care that they can afford, in part due to the state's funding of Planned Parenthood through the health block grants that they are now ineligible to receive.  We will see the results of this, and fast.  Sweeping cuts to education, massive lay-offs in the government sector, rampant attacks on the environment, cuts to WIC programs, and of course the lack of low-cost health care outside of county-run health departments resinate with far too many NC residents for us to just sit back and take it.

The question now is, what are we going to do about it?

The Follow-Up

Today I received a birth announcement from a mama whose birth I attended last month.  It was such a beautiful card, featuring two pictures of the adorable baby girl that I had been privileged to see enter the world just six weeks earlier.  I am on call for another birth now, and have been for almost two weeks.  I hate being on call.  There is something about my mind that is never quite settled, and every on call session, I start to wonder why on earth I chose this path.

Then, of course, the mama goes into labor and I get to watch it all over again: a woman's inner strength shining through her as she brings into the world a new tiny lifeform.  There's blood.  There's sweat.  There's usually some tears.  It's amazing, and each time I kick myself for questioning my love for this work, no matter how fleeting the thought was. 

My favorite thing, honestly, is running into the family at a later date.  Sometimes they contact you with an accompanying photo, the baby that had been a mere six pounds now pulling up and taking practice steps.  Sometimes you just run into each other in the grocery store or at a yoga class.  It's all wonderful, and such a great feeling to know that they thought of you as an important part of their birth experience.

Last month I also supported a woman through an abortion.  Since we are not yet ok'ed by the clinic, I can't say I was her "doula," but I did my best with what I had: we had several conversations over the phone, I drove her to the clinic, I held her hand as she completed her paperwork, and after it was over, I drove her back home and left her with self-care instructions to go along with the instructions she had received at the clinic. 

This was a very wanted abortion, at least as wanted as it could be considering its need arose from a very unwanted pregnancy.  It was not sought due to financial restrictions, fetal anomoly, or an abusive relationship.  This woman had simply become pregnant accidentally.  She was young and not ready to be a mother.  By the time we left the clinic, all the anxiety I had read in her voice in the days prior were gone.  We barely even talked about the abortion on the half-hour drive back to town, except that she had used the breathing techniques I suggested and they worked really well.  We talked about what she was studying in college, how she was hoping to feel upbeat enough to go to a party that evening, and how she was planning on spending her summer break.  Back at her house, she hugged me and thanked me for being there for her, and I told her to give us a ring if she needed to talk about anything later on.  I haven't heard from her since.

The difference between birth doula'ing and abortion doula'ing may seem immense, but it's really the same kind of work.  You discuss options, make sure the person you're supporting can make informed decisions, support them through whatever decision they make, and are there for them every step of the way (except during the abortion procedure, for security reasons).  The major difference is, obviously, the outcome.  I could sit down and write an email to any one of my birth clients, and I'm sure I would later recieve not only an update, but a link to a Picasa album as well.  When I emailed my abortion patient the next day, just to see how she was feeling, I never heard back.  Which is fine.  And I'm sure if I did run into her at the grocery store, we would chat and things would be cheerful.  But of course, there would be very little ooh-ing and awe-ing over how not pregnant she was the way I would ooh and awe over my birth clients' babies ("Oh, he's gotten so big!"  "Oh wow, you look great!" etc). 

This makes abortion doula work rewarding in a completely different way.  At the end of the day, you don't get announcements in the mail about how not-pregnant your client is.  They don't send you pictures of their flat belly or write you telling you how not being pregnant is going for them.  From what more experienced abortion doulas have told me, you usually don't hear anything from them ever again.  Statistically, you're not even likely to get a request for a post-abortion resource. 

When you're supporting someone through an abortion, the moment that you actually connect is very fleeting.  But that's really the beauty of it.  My abortion patient told me that she was happy I was able to drive her, because her friends would have had expectations of how she should act/feel/react.  I, on the other hand, had no expectations for her: to her, I was a kind stranger with a good ear.  What I was for her was exactly what she needed, and I suppose that in and of itself is plenty for me. 

On Fidelity

This whole Anthony Weiner thing has got me thinking about the parameters of "fidelity" in relationships.  By which I mean, fidelity is (to me) a relative concept, defined by the individuals involved in the relationship.

First I have to say this: I don't know whether or not these internet and phone exchanges were okay with Weiner's wife.  He mentioned that she knew about them before they were married, but we don't know whether or not that means she was cool with it.  If she doesn't consider it cheating, then he wasn't cheating.  Period.

Regardless of the parameters of the congressman's marriage, there are many couples out there who would not consider what he did cheating.  Some couples have open relationships where outside sexual experiences are fine.  For others, the partner has to actually have sexual contact for it to be considered cheating.  On the other side, there are folks who believe that sending suggestive photos over the internet is, in fact, cheating.  There are also those who think that receiving a lapdance is cheating.  Even further down the spectrum, some people consider watching pornography cheating, and others think that even masturbating is cheating.  Some people even believe that looking at another human with a lustful eye is cheating (think Christine O'Donnell here). 

What I'm trying to say is that this concept of "fidelity" is too relative for us to just point blank say that Anthony Weiner was cheating on his wife, especially if we don't know what was and was not okay between both partners.  If his wife was fine with it, then he wasn't cheating, because "cheating" by definition implies that one partner was breaking the rules of the relationship.

Cue the barrage of conservative Bible-thumpers who believe everybody should live by their standards.  Many have probably already spoken out about Weiner's supposed "infidelity," and to be sure many more would if they themselves hadn't already been caught toe-tapping in some airport men's room.  For these folks, even couples who have a polyamorous agreement are "cheating."  While they may be "cheating" on the standards laid out in certain religious beliefs, not everybody conforms to such a rigid set of rules. 

What would be lovely is if we were all comfortable enough with our partners to discuss these parameters, and have them be equally-applicable.  But because we live in a patriarchal society, there will always be a certain shame in discussing just how "faithful" we need to be.  To be sure, if we can't clearly discuss our thoughts on morality, monogamy, lust, attraction, etc, then we're going to continue having a whole lot of "cheaters" in the world.  Some folks who don't believe looking at porn is cheating might be surprised when they're "caught" and their partners accuse them of infidelity.  Others might push the limits further and further until they do cross a boundary that, instead of being discussed thoroughly, was assumed to be cheating by one partner but not the offender.

Me, I have my own definitions of what constitutes cheating, but those aren't really any of your business.  Not being a relationship counselor, I can't say what folks should do when their boundaries don't meet, though it's fair to say that a simple compromise might lead to grudges and back-handed revenge. 

Regardless, I don't know whether or not Weiner cheated on his wife.  I honestly think he apologized to her, first and foremost, for having made the mistake of making his "junk" so public, and for making her the wife of a guy involved in a sex scandal.  Or maybe she wasn't okay with it but pretended to be, or maybe she just decided to turn a blind eye to avoid the matter altogether.  Again, I really don't know, but as much as I'd like to find out, I know that their personal definitions of fidelity are really none of our damn business.