Newsflash: Kids are sexual beings

I'm sure it's some facet of human nature to jump to conclusions.  No where is this more apparent than in the mainstream perception of the American Teenager.

Think about it: from the perspective of someone who gets all their perceptions from Oprah, 60 Minutes, and a load of segments on both local and national news, the American teenager is a walking moral crisis.  Drugs, sex, pregnancy, and low self esteem are staples of your News Hour Special on what could very well be your teen.  So freak out already!!  (Anyone remember the "rainbow parties" trend that all teen girls were apparently taking part in?  Oh yeah.)

None of this is to say we do not have something of a crisis on our hands when it comes to teenagers having unsafe sex and using dangerous drugs.  The lack of decent sex education, paired with a compulsory "sex is bad" mentality, has led many American teenagers to engage in sexual relationships before they're ready.  Add to this the fact that many young people lack the knowledge to protect themselves from pregnancy and STDs, and yeah, we got ourselves a problem.

However, your average sexually-active teenager is not Jessi Slaughter.  They are not drug fiends, they are not sleeping with a new partner every week, and they are not a part of some "epidemic of immorality" that needs to be remedied with even more repressive stigmas against one's own body.

I'll say this bluntly: kids, even young children, are sexual beings.  They have impulses that are normal, natural, and valid.  This is something that I'm sure I'll have more trouble saying when I have a little one of my own, but every parent needs to come to terms with this fact.  No amount of Bill O'Reilly ranting about how he had a baseball mitt and not a girlfriend at age 16 can adequately challenge our nature as human beings, nor can it effectively remedy the trend of many teens engaging in risky sexual activity.

When feminists speak out against the sexualization of young girls, we are often lumped in with puritanical movements that are basically just anti-sex.  The "Parents Television Council" comes to mind.  However, unlike the PTC and others, feminists decry media efforts at imposing sexuality on young girls while still supporting a young woman's right to become a sexual being in her own right and on her own terms.

And of course, it's this positive outlook on sexuality, the right to be sexual in one's own right, that is apparently to blame for the supposed epidemic of teen girls getting their freak on at age 11.  And not, you know, a continued culture of attacks on women's bodies, the commodification of younger and younger girls as sexual objects, and a busload of dehumanizing clothes and music produced solely to make a buck.  To be sure, it is easier to blame the very non-mainstream idea that women own their bodies than to take on an entire culture of consumerism, especially when we're taught from day one that such a culture is "what makes this country great."  And besides, there's just no money in women and girls feeling content with their bodies and their wardrobes. 

All of this is to say that I read a great piece by the always-wonderful Heather Corinna.  A sex educator, Corinna's website Scarleteen is geared towards young people, providing insight and education on safe sex, peer pressure, relationships, self esteem, and other relevant topics. 

Her piece at RH Reality Check specifically addressed the things parents can do to help their kids to develop into healthy, educated, and informed sexual beings.  Have a read here.

While parents may (and absolutely should) insert their personal values into their household sex education curriculum, Corinna's list contains several concepts that even the most progressive parents may not think to include:

•  "Encourage active consenting and sexual boundaries" -- This is bound to be one of those difficult topics for parents to broach with their kids, as it forces them to admit that their kids are, in fact, sexual beings.  However, simply stating "don't do it unless you want to" and "be sure to use a condom" is probably not going to adequately inform a teenager about the limits of consent.  And if the confusion over what, exactly, Julian Assange is being accused of is any indication, we could all use a refresher course in consent.
• "Help counter sexualization and stereotyping" -- Again, simply reasserting your values or telling kids how to protect themselves against pregnancy/STDs is not going to cut it.  Teenagers live in a world bigger than their house... their school's social politics, television programs, messages in music, and the clothes they're encouraged to don all play a huge role in the sexual landscape teenagers are trying to map out.  If parents want their children to make truly informed decisions, they need to be ready to offer a perspective on this complex landscape. 
• "Dump 'The Sex Talk'" -- This was a new idea to me!  Instead of the awkward, "son/daughter, we need to talk" moments, Corinna suggests parents simply insert messages on positive sexuality into day-to-day childrearing, starting as young as the child can understand.  I can imagine this involves being straight about where babies come from (come on, people... the stork?!), short-but-sweet discussions on masturbation and privacy, and passing comments that reiterate messages about positive sexuality.  Always remembering, of course, that no amount of "you can talk to me about anything" comments will necessarily make the kid comfortable just showing up to ask a question.
• "Support outside help" -- The single most problematic trend in the politics of sex ed is parents distrust of other people educating their children about sexuality.  While we may trust others to educate our kids on things like nutrition and fitness(except Sarah Palin, of course), we simply cannot fathom that another person, possibly a perfect stranger, may know more about sex than we do.  Of course, while some parents may be very well-informed about their own sexual identities, it is highly unlikely that a teen will make the exact same choices as her/his parents.  S/he may be attracted to the same gender, s/he may choose to begin a sexual relationship earlier or later than the parents, or s/he might just have a completely different set of questions.  Or, {gasp!}, s/he might just not want to discuss certain topics with her/his parents!  Trusting that trained professionals can answer questions in those "I don't know" moments should put a parent's mind at ease, not cause a panic over whether or not the educator is going to tell your kid to run off and screw the next thing that moves.  And again, if personal values are reiterated in the home, the (very basic) factoids a kid learns in school are not about to negate them. 

 Now if I can maintain this credo when I have little ones of my own,  we'll be in business.