There are numerous reasons North Carolina residents should be angry this morning. If you are a teacher, a parent of a child in public school, a college student, a state employee, a woman, uninsured, lower-income, a person with mental illness, an infant, or a health worker, yesterday's late-night veto override of the state budget affects you.
Five Democrats joined the Republican majority in the override. I could go on and on about all the ways that this budget is, pardon my language, royally fucked, but I need to focus primarily on the defunding of Planned Parenthood.
Despite the fact that 57% of NC voters support state funding for Planned Parenthood, the GOP has used its majority, once again, to enact an ideology. With this budget, the GOP is waging class warfare against the most underserved communities, not just in its defunding of low-cost health clinics, but in its major cuts to education and human services as well. Don't even get me started on what this means for state employees (predominately lower-income people of color).
But I digress. This entry is about Planned Parenthood.
Last night's vote basically removes Planned Parenthood's ability to be a Title X provider. They are now no longer eligible to receive grants from the Women's Health Services Fund or the Teen Pregnancy Prevention Initiatives program.
I have been a regular client of my local Planned Parenthood clinic for four years. I have received annual pap smears, regular physical exams, low-cost birth control, and a very inexpensive breast exam that one time I found a strange lump. Not one of these visits ever put me in the poor house even though my health insurance doesn't cover me unless I get hit by a bus. Hell, they even did a strep throat test for me this one time I was on call for a birth and thought I was getting sick.
I have friends who have received all that and more from Planned Parenthood clinics. They've gotten STD testing and treatment. They've had cervical cancer screenings. They've gotten pregnancy tests and options counseling. They've had abortions. They've received referrals for low-cost prenatal care.
If this is what our General Assembly really thinks the state wants, they have another thing coming. There are too many of us who have received quality health care that they can afford, in part due to the state's funding of Planned Parenthood through the health block grants that they are now ineligible to receive. We will see the results of this, and fast. Sweeping cuts to education, massive lay-offs in the government sector, rampant attacks on the environment, cuts to WIC programs, and of course the lack of low-cost health care outside of county-run health departments resinate with far too many NC residents for us to just sit back and take it.
The question now is, what are we going to do about it?
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
The Follow-Up
Today I received a birth announcement from a mama whose birth I attended last month. It was such a beautiful card, featuring two pictures of the adorable baby girl that I had been privileged to see enter the world just six weeks earlier. I am on call for another birth now, and have been for almost two weeks. I hate being on call. There is something about my mind that is never quite settled, and every on call session, I start to wonder why on earth I chose this path.
Then, of course, the mama goes into labor and I get to watch it all over again: a woman's inner strength shining through her as she brings into the world a new tiny lifeform. There's blood. There's sweat. There's usually some tears. It's amazing, and each time I kick myself for questioning my love for this work, no matter how fleeting the thought was.
My favorite thing, honestly, is running into the family at a later date. Sometimes they contact you with an accompanying photo, the baby that had been a mere six pounds now pulling up and taking practice steps. Sometimes you just run into each other in the grocery store or at a yoga class. It's all wonderful, and such a great feeling to know that they thought of you as an important part of their birth experience.
Last month I also supported a woman through an abortion. Since we are not yet ok'ed by the clinic, I can't say I was her "doula," but I did my best with what I had: we had several conversations over the phone, I drove her to the clinic, I held her hand as she completed her paperwork, and after it was over, I drove her back home and left her with self-care instructions to go along with the instructions she had received at the clinic.
This was a very wanted abortion, at least as wanted as it could be considering its need arose from a very unwanted pregnancy. It was not sought due to financial restrictions, fetal anomoly, or an abusive relationship. This woman had simply become pregnant accidentally. She was young and not ready to be a mother. By the time we left the clinic, all the anxiety I had read in her voice in the days prior were gone. We barely even talked about the abortion on the half-hour drive back to town, except that she had used the breathing techniques I suggested and they worked really well. We talked about what she was studying in college, how she was hoping to feel upbeat enough to go to a party that evening, and how she was planning on spending her summer break. Back at her house, she hugged me and thanked me for being there for her, and I told her to give us a ring if she needed to talk about anything later on. I haven't heard from her since.
The difference between birth doula'ing and abortion doula'ing may seem immense, but it's really the same kind of work. You discuss options, make sure the person you're supporting can make informed decisions, support them through whatever decision they make, and are there for them every step of the way (except during the abortion procedure, for security reasons). The major difference is, obviously, the outcome. I could sit down and write an email to any one of my birth clients, and I'm sure I would later recieve not only an update, but a link to a Picasa album as well. When I emailed my abortion patient the next day, just to see how she was feeling, I never heard back. Which is fine. And I'm sure if I did run into her at the grocery store, we would chat and things would be cheerful. But of course, there would be very little ooh-ing and awe-ing over how not pregnant she was the way I would ooh and awe over my birth clients' babies ("Oh, he's gotten so big!" "Oh wow, you look great!" etc).
This makes abortion doula work rewarding in a completely different way. At the end of the day, you don't get announcements in the mail about how not-pregnant your client is. They don't send you pictures of their flat belly or write you telling you how not being pregnant is going for them. From what more experienced abortion doulas have told me, you usually don't hear anything from them ever again. Statistically, you're not even likely to get a request for a post-abortion resource.
When you're supporting someone through an abortion, the moment that you actually connect is very fleeting. But that's really the beauty of it. My abortion patient told me that she was happy I was able to drive her, because her friends would have had expectations of how she should act/feel/react. I, on the other hand, had no expectations for her: to her, I was a kind stranger with a good ear. What I was for her was exactly what she needed, and I suppose that in and of itself is plenty for me.
Then, of course, the mama goes into labor and I get to watch it all over again: a woman's inner strength shining through her as she brings into the world a new tiny lifeform. There's blood. There's sweat. There's usually some tears. It's amazing, and each time I kick myself for questioning my love for this work, no matter how fleeting the thought was.
My favorite thing, honestly, is running into the family at a later date. Sometimes they contact you with an accompanying photo, the baby that had been a mere six pounds now pulling up and taking practice steps. Sometimes you just run into each other in the grocery store or at a yoga class. It's all wonderful, and such a great feeling to know that they thought of you as an important part of their birth experience.
Last month I also supported a woman through an abortion. Since we are not yet ok'ed by the clinic, I can't say I was her "doula," but I did my best with what I had: we had several conversations over the phone, I drove her to the clinic, I held her hand as she completed her paperwork, and after it was over, I drove her back home and left her with self-care instructions to go along with the instructions she had received at the clinic.
This was a very wanted abortion, at least as wanted as it could be considering its need arose from a very unwanted pregnancy. It was not sought due to financial restrictions, fetal anomoly, or an abusive relationship. This woman had simply become pregnant accidentally. She was young and not ready to be a mother. By the time we left the clinic, all the anxiety I had read in her voice in the days prior were gone. We barely even talked about the abortion on the half-hour drive back to town, except that she had used the breathing techniques I suggested and they worked really well. We talked about what she was studying in college, how she was hoping to feel upbeat enough to go to a party that evening, and how she was planning on spending her summer break. Back at her house, she hugged me and thanked me for being there for her, and I told her to give us a ring if she needed to talk about anything later on. I haven't heard from her since.
The difference between birth doula'ing and abortion doula'ing may seem immense, but it's really the same kind of work. You discuss options, make sure the person you're supporting can make informed decisions, support them through whatever decision they make, and are there for them every step of the way (except during the abortion procedure, for security reasons). The major difference is, obviously, the outcome. I could sit down and write an email to any one of my birth clients, and I'm sure I would later recieve not only an update, but a link to a Picasa album as well. When I emailed my abortion patient the next day, just to see how she was feeling, I never heard back. Which is fine. And I'm sure if I did run into her at the grocery store, we would chat and things would be cheerful. But of course, there would be very little ooh-ing and awe-ing over how not pregnant she was the way I would ooh and awe over my birth clients' babies ("Oh, he's gotten so big!" "Oh wow, you look great!" etc).
This makes abortion doula work rewarding in a completely different way. At the end of the day, you don't get announcements in the mail about how not-pregnant your client is. They don't send you pictures of their flat belly or write you telling you how not being pregnant is going for them. From what more experienced abortion doulas have told me, you usually don't hear anything from them ever again. Statistically, you're not even likely to get a request for a post-abortion resource.
When you're supporting someone through an abortion, the moment that you actually connect is very fleeting. But that's really the beauty of it. My abortion patient told me that she was happy I was able to drive her, because her friends would have had expectations of how she should act/feel/react. I, on the other hand, had no expectations for her: to her, I was a kind stranger with a good ear. What I was for her was exactly what she needed, and I suppose that in and of itself is plenty for me.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
On Fidelity
This whole Anthony Weiner thing has got me thinking about the parameters of "fidelity" in relationships. By which I mean, fidelity is (to me) a relative concept, defined by the individuals involved in the relationship.
First I have to say this: I don't know whether or not these internet and phone exchanges were okay with Weiner's wife. He mentioned that she knew about them before they were married, but we don't know whether or not that means she was cool with it. If she doesn't consider it cheating, then he wasn't cheating. Period.
Regardless of the parameters of the congressman's marriage, there are many couples out there who would not consider what he did cheating. Some couples have open relationships where outside sexual experiences are fine. For others, the partner has to actually have sexual contact for it to be considered cheating. On the other side, there are folks who believe that sending suggestive photos over the internet is, in fact, cheating. There are also those who think that receiving a lapdance is cheating. Even further down the spectrum, some people consider watching pornography cheating, and others think that even masturbating is cheating. Some people even believe that looking at another human with a lustful eye is cheating (think Christine O'Donnell here).
What I'm trying to say is that this concept of "fidelity" is too relative for us to just point blank say that Anthony Weiner was cheating on his wife, especially if we don't know what was and was not okay between both partners. If his wife was fine with it, then he wasn't cheating, because "cheating" by definition implies that one partner was breaking the rules of the relationship.
Cue the barrage of conservative Bible-thumpers who believe everybody should live by their standards. Many have probably already spoken out about Weiner's supposed "infidelity," and to be sure many more would if they themselves hadn't already been caught toe-tapping in some airport men's room. For these folks, even couples who have a polyamorous agreement are "cheating." While they may be "cheating" on the standards laid out in certain religious beliefs, not everybody conforms to such a rigid set of rules.
What would be lovely is if we were all comfortable enough with our partners to discuss these parameters, and have them be equally-applicable. But because we live in a patriarchal society, there will always be a certain shame in discussing just how "faithful" we need to be. To be sure, if we can't clearly discuss our thoughts on morality, monogamy, lust, attraction, etc, then we're going to continue having a whole lot of "cheaters" in the world. Some folks who don't believe looking at porn is cheating might be surprised when they're "caught" and their partners accuse them of infidelity. Others might push the limits further and further until they do cross a boundary that, instead of being discussed thoroughly, was assumed to be cheating by one partner but not the offender.
Me, I have my own definitions of what constitutes cheating, but those aren't really any of your business. Not being a relationship counselor, I can't say what folks should do when their boundaries don't meet, though it's fair to say that a simple compromise might lead to grudges and back-handed revenge.
Regardless, I don't know whether or not Weiner cheated on his wife. I honestly think he apologized to her, first and foremost, for having made the mistake of making his "junk" so public, and for making her the wife of a guy involved in a sex scandal. Or maybe she wasn't okay with it but pretended to be, or maybe she just decided to turn a blind eye to avoid the matter altogether. Again, I really don't know, but as much as I'd like to find out, I know that their personal definitions of fidelity are really none of our damn business.
First I have to say this: I don't know whether or not these internet and phone exchanges were okay with Weiner's wife. He mentioned that she knew about them before they were married, but we don't know whether or not that means she was cool with it. If she doesn't consider it cheating, then he wasn't cheating. Period.
Regardless of the parameters of the congressman's marriage, there are many couples out there who would not consider what he did cheating. Some couples have open relationships where outside sexual experiences are fine. For others, the partner has to actually have sexual contact for it to be considered cheating. On the other side, there are folks who believe that sending suggestive photos over the internet is, in fact, cheating. There are also those who think that receiving a lapdance is cheating. Even further down the spectrum, some people consider watching pornography cheating, and others think that even masturbating is cheating. Some people even believe that looking at another human with a lustful eye is cheating (think Christine O'Donnell here).
What I'm trying to say is that this concept of "fidelity" is too relative for us to just point blank say that Anthony Weiner was cheating on his wife, especially if we don't know what was and was not okay between both partners. If his wife was fine with it, then he wasn't cheating, because "cheating" by definition implies that one partner was breaking the rules of the relationship.
Cue the barrage of conservative Bible-thumpers who believe everybody should live by their standards. Many have probably already spoken out about Weiner's supposed "infidelity," and to be sure many more would if they themselves hadn't already been caught toe-tapping in some airport men's room. For these folks, even couples who have a polyamorous agreement are "cheating." While they may be "cheating" on the standards laid out in certain religious beliefs, not everybody conforms to such a rigid set of rules.
What would be lovely is if we were all comfortable enough with our partners to discuss these parameters, and have them be equally-applicable. But because we live in a patriarchal society, there will always be a certain shame in discussing just how "faithful" we need to be. To be sure, if we can't clearly discuss our thoughts on morality, monogamy, lust, attraction, etc, then we're going to continue having a whole lot of "cheaters" in the world. Some folks who don't believe looking at porn is cheating might be surprised when they're "caught" and their partners accuse them of infidelity. Others might push the limits further and further until they do cross a boundary that, instead of being discussed thoroughly, was assumed to be cheating by one partner but not the offender.
Me, I have my own definitions of what constitutes cheating, but those aren't really any of your business. Not being a relationship counselor, I can't say what folks should do when their boundaries don't meet, though it's fair to say that a simple compromise might lead to grudges and back-handed revenge.
Regardless, I don't know whether or not Weiner cheated on his wife. I honestly think he apologized to her, first and foremost, for having made the mistake of making his "junk" so public, and for making her the wife of a guy involved in a sex scandal. Or maybe she wasn't okay with it but pretended to be, or maybe she just decided to turn a blind eye to avoid the matter altogether. Again, I really don't know, but as much as I'd like to find out, I know that their personal definitions of fidelity are really none of our damn business.
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