Paxil, withdrawal, drug addiction, etc.

So the other day I did something stupid.  (Surprise surprise.)  Once again, I waited too long to send in a refill request from my psychiatrist, and due to the holiday weekend they didn't call it in in time.

See, for the past decade I have been a consistent Paxil user.  It's not something I love, but the alternative is not pretty.  When I'm taking the drug, I'm balanced, I sleep well, and I function.  Without it, I'm a wreck: panic attacks, severe agoraphobia, listlessness, and unbearable anxiety.

Paxil is apparently "non-addictive."  Which is to say, it is not addictive in the sense that alcohol, cigarettes, cocaine, heroin, and many prescription narcotics are addictive.  The companies that make the drug and the physicians that prescribe it are careful to make this distinction, and for good reason.  The withdrawal symptoms that occur when a user doesn't take their Paxil for even one day are similar to those of a junkie jonesin' for a fix, but because the chemical specifics of Paxil dependency are different than those of diagnosed addiction, proponents of the drug repackage the symptoms as "discontinuation syndrome."

I don't care what you call it, personally.  While I have never been addicted to a mind-altering substance or narcotic, I can say with confidence that the symptoms I experience when I do not take Paxil make me feel like nothing more than a junkie.  My entire day is difficult when I don't get my Paxil, even if I'm able to replace the missed dose early on (as was the case this morning).

I don't like how it makes me feel.  As I usually take my Paxil right before bed, the first withdrawal symptom I notice is insomnia.  It is incredibly difficult to sleep, as my body is used to receiving 20mg of paroxetine prior to sleepy time.  When I do get to sleep, I wake often due to bad vivid dreams.  But the worst comes the morning after: I can't wake up, my eyes are heavy, and when I do finally get up I am overtaken by a severe dizziness that feels like vertigo.  I feel heavy on one foot and light on the other.  I get dark circles under my eyes.  I'm hungry but can't eat; sometimes I get nauseous.  I'm emotionally on-edge, I lash out at people for no reason, and I'm prone to crying spells.  There's another weird symptom, too, that I've always described as a "sugary feeling" in my veins, like every blood cell is hyped up on sugar.  I've heard others describe this feeling as a mild electrical shock.  The spells are short-lived but occur every few minutes, especially when moving around.

These are not the symptoms that led me to take Paxil in the first place.  Paxil treats my anxiety/panic symptoms very well, and several failed attempts at stopping have taught me that it takes three-four days without the drug for my body to fall back into that panic-attack-ridden despair.  No, the withdrawal is something entirely different, something I had never felt before taking Paxil (and, of course, then not taking it). 

I feel like a junkie, that's all I can really say about it.  This morning, I anxiously called my pharmacy to ask if the doctor's office had phoned in my refills yet.  The woman said they had, and the immense relief and joy I felt could only be compared to a drug addict finding her next fix.  "Yes, it's ready," the pharmacist told me.  "Oh thank god!" I exclaimed, already feeling my withdrawal symptoms subsiding.  The pharmacist laughed a bit and hung up, fully expecting me to arrive in her line within the next few minutes.

The remainder of they day is difficult.  My body slowly gets back to normal after I take my missed pill, and I get a placebo effect almost immediately.  But the difficult night behind me means my day is slow and low-energy.  It takes me a couple of days to completely repair the damage done from one night of withdrawal.

Don't get me wrong, I prefer this to the alternative.  But the fact that Paxil is one of the most commonly prescribed psychiatric drugs is troublesome.  Thousands of people are drug addicts even when they've been assured they aren't; I don't care what you call it... if it looks like a duck, it's a duck.  It feels like addiction, and so it is.  That we're still finding out new and frightening side-effects and "discontinuation symptoms" of Paxil is equally troublesome.  I've been taking it for a decade and no one can even tell me what the long-term effects are.  It's great to not be locked up inside my house having rampant panic attacks.  I just wish there was another way that worked for me.