10 Things You Should Never Say To A Divorcee
My favorite, by far, is #5:
“My husband and I had problems -- but we decided to try harder and work it out.” Don’t assume that just because my name is Kim, I Kardashianed my way out of my marriage. Sometimes the best intentions, dogged determination, and all the counseling in the world just isn’t enough to fix what’s broke. That’s a scary thing to accept -- which I suppose is why many people haven’t.She's absolutely right... that ending the relationship is sometimes the best thing for the relationship is scary. It's also not something we're brought up to think about. Traditional marriage is "forsaking all others for as long as you both shall live," which, while many people make it work and are happy forever, is a ridiculous standard to hold the entire human population to. I remember reading somewhere that a couple purposefully removed "for as long as you both shall live" from their wedding vows because, while at the time it seemed like a lovely thought, they understood that 51% of marriages end in divorce. They chose the realistic route and just removed it all together. And of course, the general population flipped their shit, not because the statistic is inaccurate, but because this couple would dare to admit that they, like everyone else, are at risk for divorce.
Being together forever is a challenge that, while admirable, actually just isn't right for lots of people. But we do it because we fall in love and in our society marriage is the natural progression. It's all well and good, and I absolutely do not regret having been married, but recognizing when the relationship has taken its course isn't really something we're brought up to think about.
Conte's piece deals with things you shouldn't say to someone who has recently separated or is still struggling. I'm sitting here thinking of a few others - things you should never say to someone who has separated, is waiting for the mandatory waiting period for divorce, and has moved on.
1. "Do you think you'll get back together someday?"
What part of "separated and pursuing divorce" don't you understand?
2. "I am just so, so sorry that you two are split."
This is a good thing to say to someone who has recently separated and is still getting over it. Those of us who are moving on, not so much. I mean honestly, what are you sorry about? Sorry that we ended our relationship before bringing kids into the world? Sorry that the split allowed me to reclaim a fierce independence that suits me? Sorry that we're both happier now?
3. "I'm glad you're dating again, but aren't you afraid this is just a rebound relationship??"
You're so right. There is no possible way that my first real relationship since the split could be anything but a fling to help me get over my failed marriage. And hey, the idea of my current relationship ending is so something I want to think about months after getting over the last painful break. Let's be real... anyone who's going through a divorce has thought of this already. And really, if it turns out to just be some escapist fling, who the hell cares? So long as no one gets pregnant or does anything permanent, what's the harm?
4. "Don't worry... you'll meet someone new and it will be awesome."
Maybe. Or maybe not. My happiness isn't necessarily tied in with my ability to be in a relationship with another person (and neither is yours).
Contrast this one with number 3... this is the one that people say when you haven't started dating "soon enough." Everyone has a magic number in their heads about how soon is too soon, how soon is not soon enough, etc. The truth is, there is no magic number... different people have different priorities, different relationships have different healing periods, and usually you don't realize it's the right time (or wrong time) to start dating again until you do.
5. "I know of a really good divorce lawyer."
Really now? What makes you think I need one? This goes back to the idea that divorce is always messy, that it always involves the two partners fighting tooth-and-nail over every last piece of community property, and that everyone even has the ability to pay a lawyer $400 an hour for some bullshit competition. If I want/need a recommendation for legal services, I'll ask for one.
6. "My aunt's coworker's hairdresser got divorced and thought she was fine, but two years later it really 'hit her' and she realized she never really grieved the loss of her marriage."
Why even say this?? Yeah, thanks for that heads up... I guess all those weeks of sleeping all the time and forcing myself to eat was just a preview of the shitstorm to come. I'd better brace myself for the remote possibility that I'm going to have a nervous breakdown in a few years because your aunt's coworker's hairdresser is really good at repressing her shit.
7. "How are your parents taking it?"
Oh gee, I don't know... last I checked I was the one getting the divorce and they were in Hawaii celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. I know they're essentially losing a member of their family, but fuck... my ex and I both have enough on our plates without having to concern ourselves with how other people are dealing with our relationship ending.
8. "Don't worry... you're young and you've still got lots of time."
Lots of time until what? Until old age comes and takes away any chance of me ever finding true happiness? Until my ladyparts dry up and I can no longer fulfill my womanly duty to reproduce? Until I'm classified as an "old maid" and become doomed to a life of loneliness and eccentric-cat-ladyness?
9. "So who's side are all your mutual friends on?"
Srsly? Just... srsly?
10. "The divorce rate is just so high. It's really depressing."
My apologies for becoming a statistic that depresses you. I guess I should have just stayed in a bad relationship so that you don't ever have to worry your pretty little head over such awful things.
No comments:
Post a Comment