Everything I need to know about birth, I learned from Bradley

The Bradley Method is one of the more popular childbirth education programs in the U.S.  Which is just wonderful, because Bradley has so many great lessons to teach us about the process of pregnancy and childbirth.  To name a few:

• All laboring people are heterosexual and married to a man.  Moreover, all laboring people are women.
• Your husband (what, you have one, don't you??) knows more about your process than you do.  Don't ever forget this.  
• Everything you put in your body during pregnancy makes your baby sad.
• If you utilize any medical interventions, be it an epidural or just a Foley bulb, you've failed as a woman and your body hates you.
• If you have a cesarean, you suck at life and should just go ahead and kill yourself.
• Don't listen to your HCP when she tries to give you postpartum Pitocin for excessive bleeding... she's way too medical and doesn't know anything.  
• If families really care about their birthing experience, they will find a way to shell out the big bucks for a Bradley class.  Priorities, folks.
• Teaching expectant parents about the pros and cons of medical interventions will only encourage their use.  You don't need to know how an epidural is administered... you aren't going to have one because it will kill you and your baby.
• Erythromycin is only for the babies of slutty unmarried women.  Hospitals shouldn't even mention it to married women because there is absolutely no possible way that they have gonorrhea.  Additionally, erythromycin will make you fail at breastfeeding and therefore as a person.
• The female-bodied are incapable of doing anything rad without a strong male presence overseeing their entire process.
• Miscarriage, fetal demise, and birth defects don't just "happen."  You did something wrong and should feel very, very bad for poisoning your baby like that.
• "Tough love" is the best way to ensure a woman gets the birth she hoped she'd have before labor even began.  Seriously, lock the anesthesiologist in the supply closet if you have to.  The mama is completely incapable of knowing what she wants during such a hysterical period.  (Pun totally intended.)
• Only people who support late-term abortion have amniocentesis.  How dare you would kill your baby like that.
• Even a drop of infant formula will make your child retarded.  Forget so-called "failure to thrive" and don't worry... IBCLCs are a part of the medical conspiracy and don't know shit either.