Where to begin?
Life has thrown some major changes my way in the past few months. Blogging in general has taken a backseat to my own need to simply survive. Between school, lactation, birth work, a new job, and a wealth of personal stuff, my down time has mostly consisted of resting and binging on contrived TV shows like Grey's Anatomy.
Which was all well and good, but it's time to pick myself back up and use my down time for things that are productive and meaningful to me. Things like writing. Looking back, I see that my blog has (not surprisingly) consisted mostly of political rants and raves. Also well and good, and these issues remain very close to my heart. But my day-to-day experiences have been so unique to anything I have lived before, and I would like to use this forum to share those insights as well.
Without going too deeply into private issues that involve other people that I care deeply about, I'll just say this: I am facing the possible end of a very long-term relationship with the person I love. This came as some surprise, and so I have spent the last several months of my life dealing with that loss. I have come to terms with a lot so far and will continue to do so. These new experiences have been painful and inspirational all at once. I've both grieved and remained hopeful, usually also all at once. But that's getting more personal than I'd like to at this point in time on such a public forum.
So back to the new name.
Yoga has provided a kind of sanctuary for my troubled head; it has fueled my drive to be a better person, both physically and mentally. When I was a dancer, I allowed myself to "cop out" on upper-body strength with self-defeating excuses ("My arms are hyper-extended so it's really hard to build muscle," "I have bad wrists," etc). Yoga always seemed like a non-judgmental zone where I can peacefully build such strength on my own schedule. Before long, I could chaturanga, something I never thought my hyper-extended arms and aching wrists would allow me to do. Then last week, I did my first full arm balance, a totally-rad eka pada koundinyasana (say that three times fast). I felt so good about it that I later busted my face while trying to show off to some friends after a few glasses of wine.
The point is this: practicing yoga has, for me, given me the fuel I need to get through the day. It strengthens me physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I accomplish things in my physical body and it gives me the ability to become a stronger person overall.
In yoga, poses are timed not in seconds but in breaths. A downward dog in surya namaskara, for example, is usually held for five breaths. Other resting poses are, in my experience, held for five as well. This allows for the pose to "sink in," for the yogi to sit in the pose and get stronger all at once. Sometimes the pose gets exhausting, my legs or (more often) arms get tired, and it becomes uncomfortable. I want to move to the next pose without letting that feeling sink in and take effect. But I know that I have to hold it in order to become stronger, to be able to hold that pose for longer and to do it with more strength and grace. When I'm feeling overly ambitious, holding a resting pose such as child's pose for five breaths seems like a waste of time. However, I know that taking those five breaths to allow my body to feel the result of the previous series is just as important.
I'm not going to spell out how that all relates to my current quest for survival... you can probably put two and two together. But while we're on the subject of survival...
The most influential people in my life right now are those who have been able to offer wisdom about the difference between pain and suffering, as well as the difference between surviving and thriving.
My education as a birth doula has always harped on the difference between pain and suffering. Pain is a part of life. It is a normal human experience. In the context of childbirth, this is obvious. My job as the doula is to help a person cope with the normal pain of labor such that it does not become suffering. We learn that how you approach the inevitable discomfort (or pain) shapes how you experience it. Once pain becomes suffering, it is no longer normal. My yoga practice has helped me transpose this idea into my day-to-day life in a time where my very unpainful life became almost unbearable. With proper compassion, coping skills, and attitude, pain is only pain. Suffering is optional.
The same goes for the difference between surviving and thriving, except that a period of survival is required. The likely end to a long-term relationship has to involve a period of intense pain, and in those moments, you are in survival mode. Then, slowly, you do more thriving and less surviving. You start to live again. For me (and I imagine most folks in my situation), this has happened so organically that I almost didn't realize it. It was October 10, just a few months after all this started, and I realized I was happy. I had a groove going, things were promising, and I was no longer in a 24/7 cycle of survival. Pain was present, but intermittent. Suffering seemed more optional as I realized that I was in control of my pain. I was thriving.
If you have made it this far into this very slapdash and very vague entry, you've probably realized that it has taken weeks to complete. Where I was at the top of this page is not where I am today. Things change, that's the only constant in our lives. Things always change.
So I hope you will continue following my journey from survival mode to a state of living for myself, a place of equanimity in constant flow. The future is indeed unwritten, but this period of intense personal growth makes all that seem less frightening. I just need to remember to act when action is required, but to sit when stillness is the best practice. Five breaths.
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