A Farewell to Arms, or something

I've gotten so tired of aggression.  It wears you out over time.

Though there were clear problems raised by the well-attended "Rally To Restore Fear and/or Sanity," the way it was advertised, how it was penned, what it did(n't) do, etc, there is one principle that really sticks with me: "If we amplify everything, we hear nothing."

Maybe the problem is that no one wants to hear anything, or have just gotten so sick of hearing the same old that they need to add noise themselves.  But noise is noise; we continue one-upping each other on the decibel level until we all go deaf.  I know it was a metaphor for the Cold War, but Dr. Seuss' Butter Battle Book comes to mind.

Really it's the rhetoric that delivers the final nail in the coffin.  Maybe it delivered all the nails, but whatever.  I can't deal with it; it's like drama, except instead of just pertaining to a few people, it involves everyone.  That's exhausting. 

What I've been reading in listservs and on political blogs lately has convinced me that this is my breaking point: not the problem, not the possible solutions, but the means.  Political discourse today seems to turn from a disagreement to a Hitler accusation in record time.  New ideas have absolutely no shelf-life; everything must be devoured whole without chewing then pooped out to be reformed into one's own mold.  Buzzwords replace discourse.  Headlines outshine the story.  No one seems immune: mainstream politics, the Tea Party, the Left, we all do it, and we all blame the others for doing it first.  As if that's an excuse to continue the cycle. 

Needless to say, turning my efforts inward from the big idea to the every day action has been good for my soul.  I've been so happy these last few months.  Working with both birthing families and breastfeeding moms is nothing short of awesome, and it's all leading me on a path that can sustain me, personally and professionally. 

Thing is, I can hear this nagging voice in the back of my head: "You selfish, sell-out hussy.  Losing sight of the big picture, just like everyone else that's responsible for the world's social epidemics."

I don't think the voice is me... I think it's an idea I've heard many times but never quite came to accept.  After all, it's not like I'm losing sight of anything.  There is a clear evolution from where I was three years ago to where I am now.  There is no abandonment; consider it ideals put into practice.  Besides, as much as I'd love to be back at Jo-Ann's using up all my time-off requests to go to a march that weekend, I can't carry the world on my shoulders any more.  Which isn't to say I can't carry my fair share.  I plan on doing that, maybe even some extra, but you can't just keep lugging around a stillborn movement without feeling the drain. Which is why I haven't picked it up in over a year... I guess it's just now become clear why I put it down in the first place.

I do believe everyone has a place, and right now mine is behind closed doors, interacting one-on-one with people who need support.  Sure, I want to go to rallies and whatnot, but I have to leave organizing them to others for a while, and I do not need to feel guilty when I can't do it all.  That's not my calling at this moment. I want to support women in their day-to-day lives, be it a challenging birth, a hiccup in breastfeeding, an unintended pregnancy, an abortion or miscarriage, or just a parenting freak-out.  I want to defend clinics.  I want to continue helping to grow and develop the Spectrum Doula Collective.  I want to continue to write; I guess that's what my most obvious (read: most public) form of activism has been.  I want to do yoga, eat well, and take care of myself.  All of the above are compatible. 

Still ever more complicated.  I can hear it now: "There are plenty of people in Iraq/Afghanistan/Palestine/Haiti/etc who would just love to do yoga and eat well."  Yup, probably true.  But their problems are not about to be solved by me or any number of people simply making themselves miserable.  That's probably what's taken so long to come to terms with.  There is indeed a fine line one must tread to find the balance between the selfish and the selfless.  Thing is, it takes a certain amount of selfishness to equip oneself with the ability to be selfless.  That's what I've learned.

So I guess this is me saying I'm putting down my protest sign for a while.  I'm sure the spirit will find me again someday, but right now I just need to do my thing my way.  It's not cynicism, and I'm not being blinded by false hope.  I've spent enough time feeling bad about being absent, but obviously not so bad to plunge myself back in.  I'm not allowing myself or anyone else to make me feel guilty about my decisions, nor am I allowing anyone to make me think that what I'm dong now is any less valid or relevant than what I was doing before.  I would say I'm sorry, except I feel I have absolutely nothing to apologize for.  It is indeed a freeing feeling.